Into the Dark, and Out of my Mind

Into the Dark, and Out of my Mind

Sleepless nights...

 

I toss and turn at night, dreaming of your face.

The way you looked at me when you told me you loved me for the first time, on our second date, should have been my cue to run and run fast.

 

I toss and turn at night, dreaming of your face.

You smile on the outside as you tell me you love bigger women, and that my body type is perfect, and then 3 days later, still smiling, tell me you'll pay for the plastic surgery you say I need.

 

I toss and turn at night, dreaming of your face.

The cracked facade of indifference when you introduce me to your guy friends and we get along.

 

I toss and turn at night, dreaming of your face.

The way you smirk at me when the waitress walks away, after you've shamelessly flirted in front of me.

You drove us here so that I couldn't leave.

 

I toss and turn at night, dreaming of your face.

The sparkle in your eye of the slightly unhinged as you explain in great detail that the government is watching you, and they're always listening.

 

I toss and turn at night, dreaming of your face.

The way you glare out of the corner of your eye when you find out that most of my friends are male.

You insist that you need to meet them all , and soon.

 

I toss and turn at night, dreaming of your face.

The smile looks fake as you ask me to move in with you once your lease is up in a few months.

We've known each other 2 weeks.

 

I toss and turn at night, dreaming of your face.

The ice in your eyes as you recount your ex's "lies" about you having sexually assaulted her.

She's not the first to accuse you, but no charges have stuck.

 

I toss and turn at night, dreaming of your face.

I imagine the dark expression, as you berate me for working over text, because I don't spend enough time with you.

 

I toss and turn at night, dreaming of your face.

The crazed look as you climb on top of me, after I've already said no.

It takes all my strength to push you off and pry your hand off the zipper of my jeans.

Perhaps your ex wasn't lying.

 

I toss and turn at night, dreaming of your face.

You try to pretend nothing has changed, but you know of my past traumas, and tried to force yourself on me anyway.

 

I toss and turn at night, dreaming of your face.

And not in a good way either.

My subconscious has twisted it into a grotesque mask of all my deepest fears.

 

I toss and turn at night, dreaming of your face.

The mere thought of seeing you again causes immediate panic, and shaking like a leaf, I end things via text.

I block you immediately and feel bad about not giving you closure, despite what you've done. 

 

I toss and turn at night, dreaming of your face.

It's been a month since we've spoken, and yet I live in fear that one day, you'll show up again, and I'll realize the nightmare is nothing compared to the reality.

 

I toss and turn at night, dreaming of your face.

You reach out to me with a new account on mother's day, saying you miss me, and won't I talk to you?

I lie under the covers shaking like a leaf because I cannot cope with the thought of seeing you once more.

 

I toss and turn at night, dreaming of your face.

I hear you've sold your car, and now every strange vehicle driving down my street at night gives me pause, as any one of them could be you.

 

I toss and turn at night, dreaming of your face.

Because the monsters of my nightmares are even afraid of you.