Into the Dark, and Out of my Mind

Into the Dark, and Out of my Mind

lone·li·ness /ˈlōnlēnəs/ Learn to pronounce noun 1. sadness because one has no friends or company. "feelings of depression and loneliness" synonyms: isolation, friendlessness, lack of friends/companions, forsakenness, abandonment, rejection; More 2. (of a place) the quality of being unfrequented and remote; isolation. "the loneliness of the farm"

Loneliness

Loneliness. The driving emotion that sets off about 90% of my personal struggle with self worth. I feel as though I need to be loved in order to love myself. I can’t live with myself without someone reassuring me that it’s not as bad as I think. That I'm not as bad as I think.

I’m terribly distressed most of the time and I don't’ think there’s much I can do about that. I keep hoping that I’m going to wake up one day and things will magically be better, but life doesn’t work that way.

Between my rapidly deteriorating health and mental state, it’s likely that I’ll probably not have my new promotion for very long.

My relationship, if you can even call it that, is falling apart as well. He’s not in a position to change his mind any time soon, and it’s not that I blame him. I blame myself for that really, and I know my constantly badgering him about it doesn’t help. I just want to feel loved.

I want to feel wanted for who I am as a person, not for my body, or rather certain parts of it. I want someone to feel smitten with me. But he’s smitten with her instead. He wishes I was her. I can tell.

I know he says they have their problems and that he’s not very happy with her. That he thinks she’s a bitch, but I know the truth.

The truth of the matter is that he doesn’t want a relationship with me because he doesn’t want to lock himself down until he knows there’s no hope in her changing her mind. If it weren’t her though, or him for that matter, it wouldn't make a difference. Nobody wants me like that. I’m far too… unstable.

Who would want a woman that can’t even get the energy to clean her room, let alone manage to get out of bed for much anything other than spending a meager amount of time with my toddler. I’m not even good with kids. My son likes me so much because I give him all the affection of two parents rolled into one, seeing as how my ex wants nothing to do with him.

His father is a disgrace of a human being. I thought we were supposed to have basic instincts to protect and nurture our families. Oh well, my son seems to be doing fine without a strong male role in his life. I love him, and for whatever reason he’s he world’s biggest mama’s boy. I love that too.

He’s my constant shadow, making sure I’m never alone with my thoughts for long. Constantly holding me, reassuring me that everything is going to be ok. He’s only four and yet has a better understanding for people and knows exactly what to say better than most any adult I’ve met.

Couple that with natural toddler cuteness and you get a dangerous combination that leads to a future heartbreaker. The only reason I’m still on this earth is because of my son. It’s a fairly well known fact that I would have ended it long ago if my son didn’t need me.

He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I still remember the time I was extremely sick and had a fever for days and didn’t really get off the couch. My son grabbed his little pillow and blanket and just laid next to me for days.

No noise, no fuss, just nice company and a hand on my forehead every now and then to see if I was still ok, even though he didn’t know what he was looking for by feeling my head. He just knew that we did that whenever he was sick.

I swear he acts like MY parent sometimes instead of the other way around, although I can’t complain. He loves me endlessly and resolutely, and I’m thankful for that.

The man I'm seeing says I coddle him, and that I’m not stern enough with him. That my child needs to learn how to defend himself. That’s not my parenting style though.

My goal as a parent is to create a child that everyone will love too much to hate. Someone that can walk into a room and instantly make everyone smile. The kind of person that I am not. And so far, it seems to be working.

My son is a jewel shining bright on the mangled branch of my family I can't imagine life without him. And the real reason I coddle my son so much? I know DAMN well that if I didn’t have him I wouldn’t be here.

I know that he’s the only thing that keeps me waking up in the mornings and going to work each day. The only thing that keeps me sticking to my guns and keeping this job, even though it’s slowly killing me.

My son is the most amazing person on the face of the earth, with a wisdom that far outweighs his years. He can’t read books yet, but he can read people and seems to do a damn good job of it. He knows exactly what I'm feeling at any one given moment, and how to make me feel better when I’m distressed.

Some people have a therapy dog, I have a therapy baby, although I guess he’s not a baby anymore. That being said, I have things to figure out. I’m on a precipice in my life.

I can continue down the path of the pharmacy I work at and slowly have my soul eaten away, or I can figure out something possibly better paying to work on.

I can go back to college even if it’s just one class a semester or so it’s still better than nothing. Slowly work my way to a degree.

I need to figure out my resolutions for 2016 as well. Such as this, “I resolve to talk to a doctor on the possibility of going back on psychiatric meds to fix some of the problems I've been having, although I know that the anemia has something to do with the physical illness problems, you never know if the perpetual exhaustion has something to do with my mental state.” and “I resolve to finish my weight loss goals and get healthy again."